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Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I Can See Clearly Now

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in my way... song lyrics from the olden days. Jimmy Cliff was the original artist and the message in the song was the soundtrack for the era. Clarity is always a good thing. Navigating in the fog, rain, or any foul weather is dangerous and difficult. Clarity makes movement easier.

Well, the other shoe has dropped and the Mister has asked for a divorce and confessed he is dating. He has revealed very clearly to me, that if his lips are moving in my direction, he is lying. So sad to have built a life around a truth that never really existed. Regret is a waste of time. I look to the future. I realize that I will have more storm clouds ahead of me. However, the daily marine layer and the fog of deception is beginning to clear.

One of the blogs I like to follow is called Crazy Aunt Purl. The author of that blog wrote a funny book called; Drunk, Divorced & Covered in Cat Hair. Laurie Perry is a talented and funny writer.

The sub title is the true-life misadventures of a thirty something who learned to knit after he split. I want to offer my rendition; Knitty, Witty, and Fifty with a dusting of Dog hair. By the way she has a simple hat pattern on her site right now that is great. I have knit two in two days for my daughter.

I seem to have the uncanny experience of randomly hearing song lyrics that hit me hard because they are so descriptive and relevant to my life. These encounters with song have left me breathless, panic attacked and some times, comforted. This weekend I went out Palm Desert to spend quiet time with my dear AZ cousin Kim. We ate and drank and talked into the night. It was a gift of time.

On the road, over the mountains, where reception is sketchy at best, I was picking up a country music station. I only heard a snippet, but it was the perfect phrase to describe how I am feeling right now... "it only hurts when I am breathing, my heart only breaks when it is beating, my dreams only die, when I am dreaming."

The dreams of my future are the hardest to let go of. I will have to force myself to stop loving the man I have known for 43 years. I loved him the best I could for 33 of those years. Hate does not come easily to me and I do not think I will get there. I will hate what he did. That I can do. I will knit my way through this with the goal to direct the energy surges into the needles at my fingertips. Productive use of emotions! A new day dawns and it is bright and clear...

1 comment:

Carlie Madsen said...

Marsha, you are a brave woman! I know nothing of the pain you must feel, but I pray for you! I think you are wise to avoid hate. Love (Jesus Christ's love specifically) will really be on the only thing that will truly heal. I hope and pray for you. Best of luck on this journey. I'm glad the fog is lifting some!