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Tuesday, February 7, 2012

What is Happening To Me???

"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o'er-wrought heart and bids it break."

-- William Shakespeare (MacBeth)

My overwrought heart is all knit up so tight I am struggling to breathe. Last night as I took the trash from the house to the can outside, I left the front door ajar. Cotton, my beautiful cat and loving companion for the last difficult year of my life, must have dashed outside.

I was so exhausted by participating in divorce court yesterday (totally tawdry) that I did not notice. I sat on the couch to watch mindless TV and fell into a deep sleep. I awoke and Cotton was not curled up next to me. It was 1 am and I knew in my heart she was gone. I could not sleep. I awaited daybreak, dressed warmly, picked up Evan's rifle and began to walk the back acre.

It did not take long for me to find the evidence of her attack and destruction. I could see she had been attacked by two coyote, as is their habit. She fled and fought to get to the pepper tree and would have been saved if she had. I found her fur and one ear. I am devastated. My children will be devastated. Another loss to pile on the mountain of crap and just plain bad luck. Job ain't got nothing on me. I am asking for some peace. I need a break. I need respite. There is not enough red wine or Ambien for this.

The short sale is done. Escrow looms. March 30th is the move out date. It behooves me to get out of here asap due to the court ruling that my living expenses here are no longer covered and I will owe them back retroactively to Oct 1, 2011. There is no protection for me right now beyond falling in a heap at the foot of my maker and ask for peace. I am inconsolable...