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Monday, April 7, 2008

Not Feeling The Blog


Today, I spoke to a friend of mine named Penny. She is pure delight. We were talking about a friend that has suffered a terrible loss and is depressed enough to seek medical intervention. Penny sincerely felt like she had nothing to offer her because Penny has never been depressed or down. Her words- not mine. What a concept. I have made a habit and a calling out of being down. I have been so down that Hell looked up to me. I feel deeply. Fiercely, even. The good, the bad and the ugly. My nickname is "Evil Marsha." A name bestowed on me after a particular cynical and toxic discussion of some folks that were tweaking my nerves. I can be crusty. I can be caustic. However, my pendulum swings all the way to the far side where it hits fragile and sensitive.

Friendship and loyalty are areas where I am vulnerable. My daughter recently has gone through a tough breakup with her boyfriend. She is such a stellar human being in my eyes. I could not understand her lamentations for the boy that did not want her. Move on. I do not want people that do not want me. Ha! Then I recalled the feelings of loss I felt when a friendship ended unexpectedly. That crushed me. Being unwanted when you had been very much wanted, is inexplicable. I still wander to the part of the brain where memories of those friends fill me with longing. It is the longing of resolution. The desire to know. The need to understand. As an adult that has learned a lot in life, I know that I may never hear the words I long for. Relationships are a 2 way road. Sometimes the bridge is out. Sometimes the person dies.

Last week we saw the "trilogy of death" myth played out. Where did that old wifes tail come from? Does anyone know? Death comes in threes. Christine's grandmother, Beverly's son, and then Debbie's mother. Old age and illness do not depress me. I love old people. I am comfortable around illness and always wish I had gone to nursing school. I pray I live long enough to be very old. Yes kids, I can take illness and death in stride and keep on track.

It is the self employed husband that sets my compass spinning. Wobbling along like a bike with a flat tire. I wish I took naps to escape. I wish I would lose my appetite. Being thinner and well rested after a depression sounds like a win to me. How unfair that I resort to reading, cooking and EATING! You may think knitting would be part of my sedentary malaise. No! Knitting is my bliss. A true indicator of excellent mental health.

My road to a full recovery will involve a reliable income, a clean and organized house, more real estate in my closets and cupboards, a reliable income, Knitting projects completed and a more reliable income. Down, down, down the long and winding road..

This is why I am perfectly mated to a dreamer and an optimist. To cheer me he bought me some fragrant Lilacs. A love touch and Michigan reminder. They grow in the mountains near here, where the winter is hard enough to produce the flowers. They smell heavenly. Our winter is hard right now. We will flower again....

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